The 250 Things that Dan the Stormtrooper is No Longer Allowed to Do In the Imperial Army
}} .]] 'The 250 Things that Dan the Stormtrooper is No Longer Allowed to Do In the Imperial Army' was a list compiled by Dan the Stormtrooper, after his term of enlistment with the Stormtrooper Corps was ended. It described a number of activities for which he was either reprimanded, punished, or just plain told not to do, during his time with Palpatine's Imperial Army. The list is as follows: #My proper military title is 'Stormtrooper Second Class Dan Wallace', not 'Queen Gertrude of the Hapes Consortium' #Marijuana smoking is not a proper training regimen. #Not allowed to show up at checkpoints dressed in part of a Rebel uniform, messily drunk #Even if my commander did it #Not allowed to tempt rookies to "fall to the Dark Side of the Force" #Not allowed to create additional levels of security clearance #Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief in the Force #Not allowed to pretend to Force choke any officer #Not allowed to adopt "Princess Leia"-style hair-buns #Not allowed to add commanding officers' pictures to the "Wanted Jedi" listings #Not allowed to join the Rebel Alliance #Not allowed to join any Rebel ''coup d'état #Not allowed to form any Rebel coup d'état #Not allowed to donate money to the "Alderaanianian relief fund" #Not allowed to leave the station when the Emperor is on the Death Star #Not allowed to acknowledge the existence of a Death Star #Mandalore may not contradict any of my orders #Must not accuse superiors of being "Rebel scum" #Must not taunt the Gungans anymore #Must attempt not to antagonize the CSF. #May not refer to clone troopers as 'test tube babies' #Even if I do outrank them #Not allowed to add “In accordance to the prophesy of the Chosen One” to the end of answers given to a superior officer #Must not tell jokes about Grand Admiral Thrawn in front of his Noghri bodyguards #Never attempt to sell weed, spice, or other recreational drugs to new officers #May not look at naked pictures of my commanding officer's wife, even if she happens to be a porn actress #Must never confuse a Twi'lek with a Rastafarian #Must never tell a Mandalorian mercenary that "we kicked your asses all the way back to Mandalore" #May not answer a commander's direct order in another language, especially Mando'a #Not allowed to wake an ISB operative by repeatedly smacking him in the face with a bag of compost #May not remove the magazines of especially annoying fedora-wearing lowlifes before battle #May not remove the battery packs of especially annoying n00bs before battle #May not remove the ammo case of especially annoying n00bs before battle #Must not scavenge armor from dead troopers to sell for parts #Even if those troopers were our enemies #May not use Imperial walkers to "squish" things #Not allowed to have flashbacks to wars I was not in: for example, the Jedi Civil War (NO, NO, IT CAN'T BE TARIS AGAIN!.) #I am not to answer a superior officer with the words "I find your lack of faith disturbing..." #Not allowed to ask for a day off on holidays, as they do not celebrate Life Day on Tatooine #I do not command The Force #I am not a Jedi #My father was not Mace Windu #My sister is not Mara Jade #I am not to speak of Jedi again, or I will suffer the consequences #I am not an Alderaanian princess #I am not authorized to fire Grand Moff Tarkin #An order to "Stay Frosty" is not a command to have a nice, cold bottle of Corellian ale #Not allowed to pose as a gunner, in the hopes of the helmet hiding my silly grin #The proper response to a command from the Emperor is not "Why?" #Comparing Moffs or Grand Moffs to a specific brand of porn actress is generally a bad idea #I may not download songs illegally and stream them inside my HUD #Or the intercom system of any Imperial armored vehicle #Must not use my helmet as a disposable toilet in the field #May not modify the codpiece of the standard issue armor to make it "look bigger" #May not modify the chest plate of the standard-issue armor to resemble breasts #No 'going commando'; must wear the standard issue body glove along with said armor #May not add Mandalorian regalia to my armor #Even if I have killed a Mandalorian and taken his armor, per custom #May not paint the back of my helmet to resemble the front #May not attach fake 'lekku' to my helmet #I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. #Must never utter the phrase 'The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation' to new privates #I may not speak for the Emperor, even if he tells me to #It is wrong to hang a 'Force Choke Me' sign from the back of any officer's uniform #Not allowed to chew spice during formation #Even if I brought enough for everyone #I did not invent blue milk #I should not assign new privates to "guard the flight line" #Not allowed to use the phrase "What is this, the Imperial Inquisition?" when in the presence of Inquisitors #May not bring a drag Wookiee to the legion formal dinner #May not "tie-dye" my armor #It is generally considered to be wrong to paint a bull's eye on any NCO's armor #May not antagonize any Imperial soldier who happens to be from Alderaan #Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Alderaanian 'fruit slinging' incident #I am not the Psychological Warfare mascot #I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision #May not glue bantha hair to my body, in an attempt to get out of duty shifts as an 'unforgivable-act-of-terror' survivor #The Force is not a part of my chain of command #??? #PROFIT #A holocron gatekeeper may not countermand any orders #I am not authorized to initiate the gizka population into the Empire #Nor am I authorized to assign them a representative in the Galactic Senate #May not wear a tutu over my armor #May not engage in the sale or purchase of Twi'leks or other slaves while on duty #May not paint a logo resembling hemp leaves on my armor #The Mon Calamari are NOT best served live #May not threaten new soldiers with a metal tube, decorated to resemble a lightsaber #There is not a Kowakian monkey-lizard residing in my refrigerator #May not glue oversized white horns to my helmet, adopt a phony accent, and pass myself off as a Devaronian #May not paint myself orange and glue a pair of horns to my forehead and then put in for a suit of Devaronian armor #May not paint my body to resemble a suit of armor, then show up to formation without armor #I am an Imperial stormtrooper, not an Ewok with gigantism #I am an Imperial stormtrooper, not a hairless, midget wampa #I may not paint my armor to resemble that of Darth Vader, in order to scare officers #I may not paint my armor to resemble that of Darth Vader, in order to scare new privates #I may not paint my armor to resemble that of Darth Vader, period #I may not sneak up behind any officer while mimicking Darth Vader's breathing #May not infer to the local population that the Death Star will be arriving shortly #Most especially if this happens to be the case #The following items do not exist: Keys to Darth Vader's shuttle, a box of grid squares, winter walker shoes, helmet interior lights, comlink fluid, night vision lenses, Death Star superlaser batteries, or sun spot remover #May not glue Lepi ears onto my helmet #Must not create new Imperial bureaucracy forms, then insist they be filled out #May not operate a business from the barracks #Especially if it is a Holoshop pornography studio #Even if it produces 'especially patriotic' pornography #It is wrong to teach new privates offensive phrases in Huttese, while pretending to give them useful advice #May not trade my blaster for: shockball cards, Milky Way bars, sexual favors, Rebel-issue blasters, armored vehicles, or uniforms, small children, or Twi'lek slaves #Must not impersonate a rabid Selonian #Not allowed to watch "Law and New Order" while on duty #May not purchase anyone's soul on Imperial time #May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime—even if it's true #May never ask anyone who outranks me if they have been chewing spice #Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if I am #Not allowed to sing Mandalorian battle chants during operations #Our medic is called “Sgt. DeSoto”, not “Dr. Feelgood” #Our supply officer is “Lt. Wesley”, not “Sugar Daddy” #Not allowed to go to Tosche Station to 'shake daddy's little money-maker for twenties stuffed into my armor' #Not allowed to trade Imperial-issue equipment for 'magic crystals' #Not allowed to sell magic crystals while on duty #I may not mount a bayonet on any large-scale laser weaponry #The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence: budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this platoon and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black Coruscant mother, all members of 501st are latent homosexuals, tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Dantooine hooker, Alaskan Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid #May not shave amusing words into the backs of Wookiee slaves while they're asleep #May not call-block my chain of command #May not make holo-posters that depict the failings of my chain of command #The krayt dragon that lives near Anchorhead is not at the top of my chain of command #Human Replica Droids do not entitle me to BAQ or separation pay #There are no evil midget Hutts hiding under my rack #May not line my helmet with cortosis to block out 'mind tricks' #Nerf dung is not camouflage makeup #May not taunt the scout troopers by calling them 'zoomies' #If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it #I am not in need of a more suitable host body #The proper response to the threat of a superweapon attack is not to tell my chain of command what I really think of them before poking holes in their protective masks #Laser flechette mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are #Must not mock command decisions in front of the galactic holo-press #Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for the Rebels #I am not authorized to change Imperial policy in the Outer Rim #I am not qualified to operate any Imperial or Rebel armored vehicles, walkers or starfighters #I cannot trade my commanding officer to the Rebellion #Due to a nasty mix-up, I may no longer preside over the officers' laundry #May not program astromech droids to tail officers I dislike #May not program interrogation droids to make an officer 'tell the truth' #I am not authorized to order an assassin droid to carry out a 'hit' #May not program training remotes to 'buzz' any officer #There is no such person as XENU #Nor am I the delegated representative of XENU #I am also not the XENU chaplain #I am to stop insisting that Earth exists immediately #The Death Star will be operational as planned, despite my shenanigans #There is no such thing as a virgin Twi'lek #I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me #Two drink limit does not mean first and last #Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks #Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like #“No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Gizer Ale® IV is acceptable #Must not taunt the TIE pilots with promises of laughing gas in their cockpits #Despite their nickname, Ithorian heads must never be used as hammers #Teaching the children of Tatooine riff-raff to taunt other soldiers is wrong #May not cruise Tosche Station in an attempt to pick up "power converters" #I am not allowed to climb trees while on Endor #May not perform a 'Hutt dance' while in uniform #The regulation body glove is black, not magenta #Bodychecking any officer of Admiral rank is generally inadvisable #My armor is not made of white-colored hard candy, and should not be eaten #Not allowed to 'defect' to the Rebellion during training exercises #On Imperial Army documents, my species is Human, not 'Secretariat, in the third' #There is no such thing as Force ghosts #Nor do I have the capacity to witness them, even if there were #While operating Imperial vehicles, I may not attempt something that I 'saw in a holovid' #It is wrong to tell my commander that his razor bumps are caused by escaping midi-chlorians #While on duty, I must wear my stormtrooper armor #Just wearing the helmet is not considered wearing my stormtrooper armor #I am not authorized to order the destruction of any planet, period #I may not impersonate Darth Vader when speaking to any officer via my comlink #I may not impersonate any superior officer when speaking via my comlink #I may no longer use my comlink unless I receive an order to do so from a superior officer #My inflatable Twi'lek slave doll is not part of my chain of command, and can therefore not order me to use my comlink #My chain of command is not interested in why I "just happen" to have a skirt, an inflatable nerf, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my landspeeder #I may not name my inflatable Twi'lek after my commanding officer's wife #I may not name it after his daughter, either #I may not 'use' my inflatable Twi'lek while on duty #"The inflatable Twi'lek said she'd guard the prisoners while I bought some Corellian ale" is not a valid reason to leave my post #Our landspeeders cannot be assembled to form a giant battle robot #Not allowed to climb an AT-AT and ride on its back into battle #Not allowed to climb a moving AT-AT, toss a length of cord around its neck, and pretend to 'ride' it #"We were out of chicken" is not a valid reason for dismantling an AT-ST for parts #Must not taunt the Anzati delegation with trays containing bowls full of soup #May not challenge any officer to 'the field of honor' #All confiscated lightsabers are to be turned over to the ISB immediately #I am not authorized to 'upgrade' any Imperial-issue small arms #There is no such thing as a "lightsaber bayonet" #The Executor is painted gray, not "sky blue" #Not allowed to reverse the gravity in my barracks and tack all the bunks to the ceiling #Not allowed to do this to the new soldiers' barracks either #Not allowed to reverse the gravity in the officer's mess while it is occupied #“To conquer the galaxy with an army of spacefaring Ewoks” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO #π is not a part of my chain of command #I am not authorized to cut hair, give tattoos, or perform body-piercings #Not allowed to paint kill markings on TIE fighters that I have never flown #Not allowed to replace the rockets in other troopers' ammo packs with paintball warheads #Must not make a 'mohawk' out of nerf hair and glue it to my helmet #The contents of an Imperial ration pack are not to be used as a personal lubricant #My boots are not magical ruby slippers, and clicking them together while in formation is both irritating and wrong #My armor is not interchangeable with that of female stormtroopers #Nor is it interchangeable with that of female scout troopers #Not allowed to make fake holocrons and sell them to fellow soldiers #Don’t write up false gigs on a speeder bike repair report (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”) #Not allowed to ask a female officer if she is 'an angel' #The mess hall has not and never will serve 'green eggs and ham' #Not allowed to sing along to the Imperial March during visits by Darth Vader or the Emperor #Must not use the word 'Darth' as an epithet when referring to officers which I dislike #May not take incriminating holoimages of my chain of command #May not use Holoshop to create incriminating photos of my chain of command #May not apply small repulsorlift coils to my boots and pretend to 'fly' while on-base #May not attach small wheels to my boots and 'skate' around the base while on duty #I am not the king or queen of Narnia #Not allowed to tell new soldiers that we will be fighting 'fire-breathing golden lions' before going into battle #Not allowed to threaten officers with 'The Force' #Not allowed to make a 'moonshine still' out of TIE fighter spare parts #Not allowed to walk around the base, juggling any kind of grenade, live or not #'Tatooine Rabies' is not a real disease #The Whills are not a part of my chain of command #There is no Imperial base on Dagobah, and I should not put in for transfers to there #Not allowed to adorn any part of my uniform with a 'smiley face' #May not under any circumstances alter the programming of a protocol droid in any fashion #Even if Darth Vader once did it #Not allowed to get shot #May not ask Darth Vader to autograph my copy of the Death Star plans #Not allowed to possess any plans to any Imperial station of any kind #A space-sickness bag is for space-sickness only #Not allowed to sing "My Humps" during the Hutt delegation's visit #Cheese catapults do not qualify as a crew-served weapon #Not allowed to shout "All stations, prepare for ramming speed!" while on bridge duty #Not allowed to store pornography on the main computer #May not speak in Shyriiwook while on duty #May not install a vocoder into my helmet which allows me to speak in 'more than six million forms of communication' #May not read Darth Vader's diary over the Death Star's intercom #May not paint my armor gold, silver or bronze, and then pose as a protocol droid #I am an Imperial stormtrooper, not a meat puppet of the Emperor #Not allowed to get three sets of silicone breast implants and pose as an Askajian #The saying 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you' no longer applies to Stormtrooper Dan #Not allowed to adopt stray neks and train them to "Sic Moff!" #Must never call a Mandalorian "Bucket-Head" #There is no such thing as 'flower power' and it is wrong to suggest otherwise #Not allowed to paint myself blue, wear glowing red contact lenses, and pass myself off as a Chiss #May not "skip to the loo my darlin'" while on duty #May not introduce hallucinogens into the ship's water supply #The correct response to a mission briefing is not "That's what you think" #Does anyone even make these lists anymore? 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